News Roundup

From the “Petulant Poultry” Department – Peep, a pet rooster that regularly attends Civil War reenactments, recently went missing when his owner stopped at an Alabama Cracker Barrel restaurant. Searchers combed the bushes looking for the rooster, but their luck was nothing to crow about. Luckily, Colonel Sanders’ favorite feathered trooper was returned to his owner when a good Samaritan rescued him and drove him to Mississippi. I can only imagine the stories that chicken told during the trip. “There I was, I say, there I was, son, up to my pinfeathers in Yankees. It was the second day at Shiloh, and we were running out of both mealworms and gunpowder….”
From the “Miracle Worker” Department – President Biden announced today that all adults in the United States will be vaccinated by May. Additionally, all primary and secondary school teachers will be vaccinated by the end of March, which will allow schools to re-open just in time for the summer break. I just can’t say how impressed I am with this. I mean, there was no Covid-19 vaccine when the President took office just a few weeks ago, and already he is making it happen for all of the pharmaceutical companies and teacher’s unions.
From the “Wave of the Future” Department – A Kentucky firm plans to deploy two small space stations in the near future. These will be used as for orbital manufacturing, taking advantage of the negligible gravity in orbit. Representatives of the Kentucky bourbon industry are reported to be in talks to put a still in space so that bottles of suborbital hooch can finally reach the market.
From the “That Didn’t Take Long” Department – North Korea has reportedly restarted work at a remote, secret nuclear facility. Addressing the country while seated in a high-backed leather chair and stroking a long-haired white cat, Kim Jong Un, leader of the isolated communist country and renowned connoisseur of fine Tazhik fermented camel milk whiskey, maintained that the facility is not related to nuclear development. Rather, he asserted, it is a medical research compound, where the best minds North Korea can find are working to perfect a peasant that can thrive on 3 grains of rice a day. President Biden is expected to comment on this after he arises from his latest nap.
From the “BDA” Department – The Air Force recently announced that last week’s air raid in Syria killed one militant and wounded two others. In addition, the seven weapons used to make the rubble bounce in the war-torn country destroyed nine facilities and damaged another two. It’s good to see that our defense dollars are being used so wisely. 1 enemy KIA and 2 WIA, along with the destruction of two goat barns, three mud huts, and four rusty shipping containers is certainly a good payoff for the money it cost to deploy a pair of strike fighters, their air and ground crews, then fuel and arm them for the mission. The airstrike is reportedly in response to a rocket attack last month in Iraq, in which $32.50 worth of Iranian unguided munitions were used.
From the “Biggest Mouse I Ever Saw” Department – A kangaroo caused a ruckus in Alabama the other day when it escaped its handler and led police in a high-speed chase down the highway. Local residents seem to be of different minds on the subject of the miscreant marsupial, who is still at large. About half of those polled think it should be captured before it or anyone else gets hurt, while the other half thinks several of the creatures should be released so that there can be a draw hunt for their offspring in a couple of years.
From the “Suffering Cetaceans” Department – A seal was detained by police in Canada the other week after it crossed a highway and headed into the woods. The seal was overheard by this reporter barking out that it only wanted to go to Tim Hortons for a coffee and a couple of crullers, and wanted to know if it was under arrest.

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