- From the “Jackass in the Judiciary” Department – A man has filed a lawsuit against a baking company stating that because “Hawaiian rolls” are actually made in California, he deserves some measure of compensation. The product was originally made in Hilo, but moved to the Polynesian paradise of Torrance at some point. The makers of german chocolate cake mixes were unavailable for comment.
- From the “Bed and Breakfast” Department – A home for sale in Vermont has the added perk of having several jail cells attached to it. As a parent of children who rarely wanted to stay in bed after tuck-in time, I see this as a very desirable addition.
- From the “Trawling for Trouble” Department – A man in Great Britain recently pulled 19 World War II grenades out of a river near Birmingham. The gentleman continued to pull the devices out of the water one at a time, but only called the police after he noticed that two of them still had their pins in place. Folks, you know I’m one of the first to say “That’s not the government’s job” for most things. But, if you pull one grenade, with or without pin, out of a river, stop fishing. Let the nice men from the bomb squad drag the bottom for anti-personnel devices.
- From the “Urban Erection” Department – A gingerbread monolith, reminiscent of metal structures that have popped up in odd places around the world in recent months, was found in a park in San Francisco a few days ago. Local authorities are looking for the person or persons who put the structure up, reportedly to fine them for lack of a permit, use of GMO flour and ginger, and the lack of signage on caloric, fat, and sugar content.
- From the “Bad JooJoo” Department – Two people have been arrested in New York after deplaning using an aircraft’s emergency slide while it was taxiing for take-off. One of the men took a Great Dane puppy along for the ride, which was probably a treat for the pooch. Other travelers got the exquisite experience of trying to catch other flights to Atlanta from LaGuardia during holiday travel season. Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like having an unscheduled layover in a New York airport.
- From the “No Good Deed” Department – The Health and Human Services department has cancelled a proposed $14,000 fee that the FDA wanted from distillers who produced hand sanitizer at the beginning of the Covid-19 crisis. The fee is normally assigned to companies that manufacture pharmaceutical products. Anonymous sources tell this reporter tha the distillers’ association meeting about this issue included references to ‘revenuers’ and ‘shootin’ irons’. In totally unrelated news, the FDA office in Point Barrow has announced an upcoming welcome party for several new members of its staff.
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